So, I got an email from my father yesterday and all it said was this :
" Hi Serene, Go thru this profile. Let me know. Take care. Dad".
There followed a profile from a 'matrimonial website' called (believe it or not) "Muslim Matrimony". Now my dad under the best of circumstances isn't the most loquacious man ( unless you put him in front of an audience and then all bets are off), but when it comes to the topic of 'marriage' or in this case ' arranged marriage', the man becomes semi-literate. He'd like to be dictatorial about it and it instead turns into a sputteringly incomprehensible speech that loses steam about half way through with the onset of an acute embarrassment. At other times he tries the emotional blackmail route. This usually begins with " I'm getting older. I'm getting sicker. I'm not long for this world. Get married." That second part by the way is patently untrue. The last visit to the cardiologist proved this. The first part , well, we're all getting older. And somehow my "marriage" is supposed to be the panacea for old age and death. My getting married is also supposed to be the solution to every property dispute in the family ( this is probably true but I still maintain that this isn't anything that's going to be solved by marriage-mine or anyone else's- let's face it my relatives aren't exactly in the running for the UN).
My mother, by the way, just goes for full on emotional blackmail. She has threatened me with various scenarios of lonely death over the years. If I remain a single woman ,my life always comes to a gruesome end in my mother's mind at the hands of various relatives ( who all want to kill me for whatever reason , but mostly property); it comes to an equally gruesome end in some hospital where I'll lie rotting alone and dying; it comes to an end eaten by cats and raped and murdered by unknown assailants; my sister and all my friends will have their own lives to lead and men to marry and children to take care of and I'll be alone and dying in a corner forgotten and thrown to the side. Ladies and gentlemen, these are my poor mother's worst case scenarios if I continue to live my life in blessed singledom- what must be it like to be her I wonder.
And a combination of these strategies has been going on for well nigh 14 years now. Technically it started when I hit puberty but I thought I'd give them a little slack for the early years because my extended family were much more involved than my parents at that time.
Anyway, so coming back to last night. A combination of curiosity, exasperation and boredom made me open up the profile. This was the information that the profile contained - the gentleman was all of 37 years, unmarried, 6ft tall, living in Kuwait and working as an engineer (not software) and earns 12,000 Kuwaiti Dinars per annum. His 'partner preference' could be summed up in one word 'Any'. So, 'Anyman' here, basically didn't care what he married ( I'm glad in a way that he specified 'female' or maybe that too was an assumption on my part- things are a bit unclear at this point). So, based on this 'profile' , my father ( an otherwise intelligent man albeit an extremely , and proven, bad judge of people) wanted me to make a decision on whether this should be 'taken further'.
Now , tell me dear reader, how was I supposed to respond? Was I supposed to say, " yes please, dad, let us take this further because I see so much potential." After all this man put up his own profile on a website meant to attract future partners and clearly he was so interested in attracting the best of the best that he simply couldn't take the time out to fill in what sort of a partner he would like to see himself with. This is exactly what I want to do with the rest of my very short life- spend it with a man who can't be bothered.
What I really wanted to say was " Are you kidding me???? What is WRONG with you???" But then that would lead to sulking and more arguments and frankly I don't have the energy. Not even a little bit. So, I took the path of least resistance and simply ignored the mail and shut down the computer. But I did take a look see at the various trolls who'd "expressed interest" in my profile, kindly provided by my dear parents ( and reads like it was written by two barely literate people!! What happens to two educated and extremely well-read people when it comes to this topic is something for another post). There was , believe it or not, a 58 year old pervert who's trolling for a second go at marriage. His claim to fame? He's a doctor in Saudi Arabia with a brood of kids. I mean ,what the hell! The past months on this particular website has in fact washed up the very bottom of the barrel. It's soul-crushing I tell you.
The reason is of course painfully clear. In my society ( and even more specifically, in my religious community ) once a woman is well into her 30's and unmarried, it is immediately assumed that (a) there is something physically or mentally wrong with her (b) she has a bad character ( read: she's no longer a virgin and this is THE WORST thing) (c) she's so butt ugly she'll settle for anything that comes along because she's just so desperate to jump into bed with anything ,and (d) in a late breaking development they assume you're lesbian. So, "profiles" of women my age on these websites always , and I mean ALWAYS, attract the oldest, most pathetic losers on whom other women have already given up. I mean these are men who have been dumped or have dumped others. It wouldn't matter to them that I have more degrees than they can count in subjects that is way beyond the comprehension of their puny little minds. Oh no! To them I'm still fair game because I'm in my 30's and that means my parents and I are desperate.
And what about men my age from the same community you ask? Well, this is what happens. They put down their profiles with their most 'dashing' photos and demand brides of 29 and below. Yes, they must have prime ( and untouched) meat don't you know? Now that they have "sowed their wild oats" they must settle down with " a young woman who understands their needs". Double standards anyone?
What do my parents have to say about this? Well to be fair, my mother suggested that I advertise for a younger man. My dad of course has maintained his sphinx-like silent disapproval and carries on sending me 'profiles'.
Now, what do I think of marriage you may wonder dear reader. I think it's an extremely flawed institution and in many ways it's sick. But as institutions go it does have its advantages.But for something that began as a way of preserving property I wonder when it became so emotionally overwrought. What was the need to have made it so? Why couldn't people just keep it practical and carried on as usual? But no, everything had to become about sex and emotions and violence and sickly sweet and frankly disgusting anniversary celebrations ( I mean what is that? Yay! We survived each other these many years and scrubbed toilets and washed underwear without killing each other! Let's cut the cake!). Okay, fine, make it that way. But if it must be that and if one must saddle oneself with this other human who's going to be hovering around every single day, then let it at least be a someone that one can tolerate and with whom one shares more than just human DNA and a few ape-like characteristics.
If I must spend time in enforced companionship with someone I'd like it to be with a reasonably intelligent human being who will have something to say if I mention ,say, Damien Hurst . I'd like it to be someone funny and who can make me laugh. And I'd like it if the person was reasonably good and had some financial security. I don't have an ideal man in mind. Yes , I have fallen 'in love' before ( whatever that may mean to various people) .But no, I don't expect that to happen again. So, really, is it too much to ask for me to not completely lose myself and my life and my perspective on things. I don't want to meld into another and become one with someone else. I want to be me and I'd like to have someone to be 'me' with. Simple.
I fear though that I may be dreaming for such simplicity in life. These days when I bring up how annoyed I get at the constant pressure that I have been for the past decade and more, the word 'duty' keeps cropping up. Earlier it was just the parents - "It's our duty to find you a suitable boy". Now my sister is in on the act too- "They're just doing their duty." And on most days I'd love to tell everyone where to go place their misplaced sense of duty.
It's fair to say I've given up. Now, I just wish 'they' would.
" Hi Serene, Go thru this profile. Let me know. Take care. Dad".
There followed a profile from a 'matrimonial website' called (believe it or not) "Muslim Matrimony". Now my dad under the best of circumstances isn't the most loquacious man ( unless you put him in front of an audience and then all bets are off), but when it comes to the topic of 'marriage' or in this case ' arranged marriage', the man becomes semi-literate. He'd like to be dictatorial about it and it instead turns into a sputteringly incomprehensible speech that loses steam about half way through with the onset of an acute embarrassment. At other times he tries the emotional blackmail route. This usually begins with " I'm getting older. I'm getting sicker. I'm not long for this world. Get married." That second part by the way is patently untrue. The last visit to the cardiologist proved this. The first part , well, we're all getting older. And somehow my "marriage" is supposed to be the panacea for old age and death. My getting married is also supposed to be the solution to every property dispute in the family ( this is probably true but I still maintain that this isn't anything that's going to be solved by marriage-mine or anyone else's- let's face it my relatives aren't exactly in the running for the UN).
My mother, by the way, just goes for full on emotional blackmail. She has threatened me with various scenarios of lonely death over the years. If I remain a single woman ,my life always comes to a gruesome end in my mother's mind at the hands of various relatives ( who all want to kill me for whatever reason , but mostly property); it comes to an equally gruesome end in some hospital where I'll lie rotting alone and dying; it comes to an end eaten by cats and raped and murdered by unknown assailants; my sister and all my friends will have their own lives to lead and men to marry and children to take care of and I'll be alone and dying in a corner forgotten and thrown to the side. Ladies and gentlemen, these are my poor mother's worst case scenarios if I continue to live my life in blessed singledom- what must be it like to be her I wonder.
And a combination of these strategies has been going on for well nigh 14 years now. Technically it started when I hit puberty but I thought I'd give them a little slack for the early years because my extended family were much more involved than my parents at that time.
Anyway, so coming back to last night. A combination of curiosity, exasperation and boredom made me open up the profile. This was the information that the profile contained - the gentleman was all of 37 years, unmarried, 6ft tall, living in Kuwait and working as an engineer (not software) and earns 12,000 Kuwaiti Dinars per annum. His 'partner preference' could be summed up in one word 'Any'. So, 'Anyman' here, basically didn't care what he married ( I'm glad in a way that he specified 'female' or maybe that too was an assumption on my part- things are a bit unclear at this point). So, based on this 'profile' , my father ( an otherwise intelligent man albeit an extremely , and proven, bad judge of people) wanted me to make a decision on whether this should be 'taken further'.
Now , tell me dear reader, how was I supposed to respond? Was I supposed to say, " yes please, dad, let us take this further because I see so much potential." After all this man put up his own profile on a website meant to attract future partners and clearly he was so interested in attracting the best of the best that he simply couldn't take the time out to fill in what sort of a partner he would like to see himself with. This is exactly what I want to do with the rest of my very short life- spend it with a man who can't be bothered.
What I really wanted to say was " Are you kidding me???? What is WRONG with you???" But then that would lead to sulking and more arguments and frankly I don't have the energy. Not even a little bit. So, I took the path of least resistance and simply ignored the mail and shut down the computer. But I did take a look see at the various trolls who'd "expressed interest" in my profile, kindly provided by my dear parents ( and reads like it was written by two barely literate people!! What happens to two educated and extremely well-read people when it comes to this topic is something for another post). There was , believe it or not, a 58 year old pervert who's trolling for a second go at marriage. His claim to fame? He's a doctor in Saudi Arabia with a brood of kids. I mean ,what the hell! The past months on this particular website has in fact washed up the very bottom of the barrel. It's soul-crushing I tell you.
The reason is of course painfully clear. In my society ( and even more specifically, in my religious community ) once a woman is well into her 30's and unmarried, it is immediately assumed that (a) there is something physically or mentally wrong with her (b) she has a bad character ( read: she's no longer a virgin and this is THE WORST thing) (c) she's so butt ugly she'll settle for anything that comes along because she's just so desperate to jump into bed with anything ,and (d) in a late breaking development they assume you're lesbian. So, "profiles" of women my age on these websites always , and I mean ALWAYS, attract the oldest, most pathetic losers on whom other women have already given up. I mean these are men who have been dumped or have dumped others. It wouldn't matter to them that I have more degrees than they can count in subjects that is way beyond the comprehension of their puny little minds. Oh no! To them I'm still fair game because I'm in my 30's and that means my parents and I are desperate.
And what about men my age from the same community you ask? Well, this is what happens. They put down their profiles with their most 'dashing' photos and demand brides of 29 and below. Yes, they must have prime ( and untouched) meat don't you know? Now that they have "sowed their wild oats" they must settle down with " a young woman who understands their needs". Double standards anyone?
What do my parents have to say about this? Well to be fair, my mother suggested that I advertise for a younger man. My dad of course has maintained his sphinx-like silent disapproval and carries on sending me 'profiles'.
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| Source: Here |
If I must spend time in enforced companionship with someone I'd like it to be with a reasonably intelligent human being who will have something to say if I mention ,say, Damien Hurst . I'd like it to be someone funny and who can make me laugh. And I'd like it if the person was reasonably good and had some financial security. I don't have an ideal man in mind. Yes , I have fallen 'in love' before ( whatever that may mean to various people) .But no, I don't expect that to happen again. So, really, is it too much to ask for me to not completely lose myself and my life and my perspective on things. I don't want to meld into another and become one with someone else. I want to be me and I'd like to have someone to be 'me' with. Simple.
I fear though that I may be dreaming for such simplicity in life. These days when I bring up how annoyed I get at the constant pressure that I have been for the past decade and more, the word 'duty' keeps cropping up. Earlier it was just the parents - "It's our duty to find you a suitable boy". Now my sister is in on the act too- "They're just doing their duty." And on most days I'd love to tell everyone where to go place their misplaced sense of duty.
It's fair to say I've given up. Now, I just wish 'they' would.
