Untitled

There are times when I wonder if I'll get over feeling a certain way. The weight of emotions become too much to actually believe that they'd one day go away and it will all be as if what went before never was.
There are times like today when washing my face over the sink before going to bed, I'm suddenly overcome and I need to stop and catch my breath. Sleep flees and I'm left wide awake trying to breathe through the pain. A friend told me once that's all that I'd have to do. Just breathe through the pain.
But what do you do when the pain overwhelms even breath? What do you do when you can barely stand up and what do you do when you feel tears pushing at you and threatening to break every barrier you have managed to erect?
I feel some days I can lower a veil of indifference over all that I truly feel.Someone said to me recently in the middle of a conversation in the dark, that maybe if the veil stayed in place long enough it'll become a skin. I thought I'd had that mastered. At least in the dark at that time, it felt plausible.And then I awoke to the bright light of day and realized that I was afraid of one day not feeling the things I feel as deeply as I feel them. What if when I stop feeling I lose everything forever? How do I live then?
There are some losses that will break me. I am sure of it. I am afraid of them. I do not know how I will live through them. And in the strange way that life has, I am made aware everyday that I am completely helpless in the face of them. How will I do it? Writing to faceless strangers in the middle of the night...and hoping for just one chance...just one more chance...to see and to hear and to talk... just one more... and then maybe more than just one more...

For one moment today

For one mad moment today I thought I'd tell you everything. In that one mad moment I was understood completely. In that one moment there was perfection. In that one moment there were no doubts.

The moment passed.

Now it is stored away. I will go back to it another day.

Musings at dawn...

It's 4 a.m and I'm wide awake. A cock crows somewhere. A distant door shuts timidly.My television emits sounds that are wholly alien to the hour - canned laughter, happy music- the volume is low and yet these sounds are alien to the hour.
In other time zones, people sit - people I once knew- or at least thought that I knew- their realities vastly different from mine. Some part of me resists the difference. And the more practical , "grown up " side, knows that this is what must be in the end.
Do I mourn the "loss" ? Honestly , no. But there is a discomfort. There is a sense of weight. Distances grow. Geography is the least of it.
After the weight, comes the weightlessness. The floating away of bits that once mattered more than life itself. Or perhaps that was only a feeling. In the end what matters really?
I remember an evening from a very long time ago when I sat on a low bench overlooking a valley , a friend by my side. We watched a full moon rise. In that moment , there was magic in the air. There was magic and that indefinable certainty of endless possibilities. I do not remember the words spoken.But there were dreams and hopes. All that remains now of that moment is a memory of the ethereal space we gazed upon. Life occupied the time between then and now.
I remember too a spray of purple flowers with drops of rain on them.I remember them resting in a little glass on a window sill. Their simple breathtaking beauty remains in my mind's eye to be retrieved in the in between times like these.
The constants...