Self-examination on a sunny day

We did not see the sun for close to a week in this part of the world. I was miserable! Apologies to all those who thought it was 'romantic'. I don't get it. One sudden cloudy afternoon is nice but a week of cloudy, damp days is just such a downer.
Today the sun is out in all its glory and I have spent an hour just letting its warmth soak into my bones. Maybe it's age or maybe I just appreciate these simple pleasures  a lot more these days. A couple of weeks ago , for example, I found myself just looking , really looking at a gloriously blood red sunset.There is something to be said for mindfulness.
And then yesterday, at work, for a couple of hours a lovely woman came by and just lifted us all out of ourselves. It was Deepti Naval.
Of course, I grew up watching all her films. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever get a chance to interact with her. I loved everything about her and especially how gracious she was. It was such a wonderfully inspiring moment and I have been starved of those for a while now. In those two hours , she taught me to look at myself- really look at myself. And that, I realize, is quite a gift.  All you need to do is look at her paintings to realize just how good she is at that kind of self-examination. It is almost scary. But it can also be such a relief I realize- the removal of all masks- even if one does it every once in a while.

I especially like what she says about her paintings of the pregnant nun:

"At a deeper level, there was this conflict that I had been going through for some time now - wanting to move away from everything material, to give it all up and go into oblivion. But at the same time, I felt a strong compelling urge to embrace life all over again, to live fully. Pregnancy to me signifies the fullness of living, while nun-hood, is 'giving up' and moving towards the spiritual path. This terrible conflict, of wanting these two opposite things, passionately, at the same time, made me paint the Pregnant Nun.

There's another way of looking at it. We all have contradictions. I do. I have terrible contradictions in my personality. You live with a self image - someone you like to believe you are, and then, there comes a time, when you go right ahead and destroy that image by doing something completely contrary, shocking even your own self."

  

These are contradictions I constantly struggle with. Nothing simple about it at all. There have been days I have struggled with the urge to just go away from everything. I have been drawn so often to the orders where nuns/monks take vows of silence. In my first year in London, I spent most of my spare time in the company of a pair of Jain nuns. They certainly found it odd that I wished to do so. Although perhaps not as odd as some of my classmates found it. But there was something utterly compelling about their lifestyle and their almost pristine calm. I would have gladly given up everything and joined them I think.They were of course very convincing in their arguments about why I should do no such thing. And then again much as I want to abandon it all, I so want to taste everything life and the world has to offer. I wish there was a middle ground. I am sure there must be.But I haven't found it. In some sense, academia provides it. The life of the mind and the near austerity that it provides is in some sense a middle ground. It allows me to leave the austere and go for the abundant when I choose. If this struggle will ever be resolved remains to be seen.